Someone who has been close to me in the past has spent the last year being nothing but an affront to me and, more weightily, to my wife. No one messes with my family, I don't care who you are. You cannot suggest that you care for my family and act like that.
The person called me this morning to "make amends," but evidently knew nothing of what that means. I said that before I could move forward, I needed to understand why I saw the hurtful behavior that I did.
"I don't want to get into specifics. I just want to move on." "I need to know why you chose to act as you have. I need that to know that it won't continue." "No, I don't want to get into that. I'm just calling to make amends."
No conversation, no discussion. It was more a desire to sweep it under the rug and pretend it's all over and that we're past it. I can't play that game, and said so.
Without any evidence that something is changed, different, improved, reformed, etc, I have no recourse but to believe that my wife and my family will be subjected to the same behavior we've experienced. I have more respect for them than to allow that.
Growing up, my mother always use to say, "I don't want you to merely 'say' you are sorry, I want you to mean it, and show me that you are."
What's ironic is that we all take for granted the powerful intentions behind two little words that our society applies to just about every situation in a cavalier manner. From the most egregious offense to accidentally bumping into someone, "I'm sorry" has become our generation's catchall: an exonerating phrase that we believe will cleanse us of our "indiscretions."
Sorry folks, but according to experts, in order for an apology to hold any credence, it must be an earnest expression of a sincere sentiment. Professionals point out that owning up to our errors is one of the most difficult things to do. Yet, they profess that acknowledging your responsibility, and seeking and asking for forgiveness, not only benefits the offended individual but also helps you make peace with yourself.
The following are basic guidelines for implementing an appropriate apology:
Live Up To Your Responsibility: Don't justify, rationalize or project blame onto someone or something else. Remember, we all have control over how we act. Acknowledge that you're at fault, caused pain, and take the blame that belongs, rightfully, to you.
Own Your Error: Fully accept that you were wrong and that you realize the unnecessary aggravation, pain, and hurt you brought about. Showing this kind of understanding offers the other person confidence that you are not merely offering an obligatory apology but are in fact aware of your offensive actions and their detrimental effects.
Be Explicit: Experts recommend avoiding simply apologizing for your behavior. Be specific about which actions you are most concerned about and the impact (you feel) they had. This allows the other party to feel comfortable about you assessing and examining the situation and offering them the confidence that you will try to curb it, or get professional assistance to deal with it.
The Whole Truth And Nothing But The Truth: Be honest with yourself and the person you've hurt about EXACTLY what you've done wrong. Examine and discuss the root of the problem, as well as potential alternatives and solutions. Show the other party that you've considered the gravity of your actions and WHY it triggered such a negative response. This in-depth understanding offers confidence about your sincere desire to get to the root of the situation and move forward without ever looking back or repeating your actions.
Let Your Guard Down: Be prepared to have the other individual express their disappointment, frustration, and even anger. According to experts, refrain from getting offended or defensive. Remember, YOU were the initial instigator. The other person's feelings are valid and legitimate, and they have a right to be angry with you. Offer them that right and make it a priority to make your apology heartfelt.
Avoid Conditional Apologies: Refrain from "qualifying" your apology based on only certain things you felt where hurtful. Place yourself in the other person's shoes and try to understand how what you did or said affected them. Experts also suggest avoiding words and phrases such as "but" and "if."
If At First You Don't Succeed: Apologize more than once if you have to, say experts, especially if the offense is "serious" enough and the person needs a little extra convincing. Wait for the right time and choose your words wisely. Consider also gestures that will exhibit your sincerity.
You mess with my family, you are persona non grata; I don't care who you are. If you apologize from the heart, and it's obvious that you regret your actions, no worries - we move ahead.
The person actually said this to me in an email afterward:
My intent was to make a sincere apology without anger or attitude.
Here's a clue: if your apology risks delivery with either anger or attitude, then you had no heart for an apology in the first place and nothing is any different than it has been. The rest of the email was just more of the same venemous hubris shown to us in the last year.
While the 3 Kings get most of the credit for bearing gifts and traverse afar, it was the 3 Princesses who did the packing, arranged for the camels, got the map (really King, you're going to rely on a star? What are your plans for the daytime?) and of course, shopped for the baby.
Ain't that the truth. If it was up to the guy, baby Jesus would have received a squirt gun and a lottery ticket purchased from the corner convenience store in the early morning of the blessed day.
So, the Des Moines Register has issued its endorsements. Big deal. But there is this nugget of self-promotion in the article:
In 2004, the newspaper’s endorsement of John Edwards coincided with his dramatic surge in the state. Edwards, then a North Carolina senator, moved from single digits in an Iowa poll taken in November 2003 to a second-place finish in the state’s 2004 January caucuses.
This year? Clinton, she might get a bump because a few of the few Democrats in Iowa who actually read the Des Moines Register might think that the Register editorial staff is informed enough to help them make a decision. But it won't dent Obama's 9% jump on Hillary.
And no Republican voter looks to the Des Moines Register for advice on voting. The editors at the Register don't get Republicans. Which is why they backed McCain.
After I expressed my support to nominate Mitt Romney, my long-time friend, Kelly, said that he's behind Fred Thomson. I respect Kelly's opinion enough that I wanted to find out more about Fred, so I perused his official web site.
I didn't seriously consider Fred because he appeared to squander a lot of good vibe that he had, and you can't do that when running for president. You can't win without organization, and so he didn't make my list of folks to learn more about.
But aside from Kelly's influential opinion, Fred also gave it to Carolyn Washburn, editor of the local Des Moines Register, at the last debate. Good for him to thump a media priestess. Running for president is not about a show of hands; it's about intelligent considerations, and we the people have a right to hear the substance due the candidates running for president.
So, I'm giving what bit of room I can for Fred's voice to be heard. On his web site, he has a list of "first principles." I'll quote Fred and comment:
Individual Liberty . As Jefferson spelled out in the Declaration of Independence, our basic rights come from God, not from government, and that among these inalienable rights is the right to liberty. We must allow individuals to lead their lives with minimal government interference.
"Minimal government influence..." amen brother! Mucho applause to that.
Personal Responsibility . The corollary to liberty is responsibility. No society can succeed and thrive for any duration unless free people act in a responsible way. All of us must take responsibility for our actions and strive to improve our own lives and to contribute to building a better society.
Oh. My. God. Did Fred just utter the words "personal responsibility" in a presidential campaign? What happened to government giveaways and wealth redistribution and a chicken in every pot? Fred's exactly right - personal responsibility is a corollary to individual liberty. I'm digging Fred's principles, lemme tell ya.
Free Markets . Free people are best equipped to order their own affairs, and the common interest benefits from and is improved by the aggregate success of all. We must reform our tax system, encourage investment, support entrepreneurial spirit, open markets abroad to American goods, and minimize burdensome government regulations to continue to expand the economy and bring increased wealth to all Americans.
Fred, my man - you're hitting it out of the park! He definitely knows what drives business and economy.
Limited Government . Government must be strong enough to protect us, competent enough to provide basic government services, but limited by the delineated powers in the Constitution.
Federalism . Our Constitution innovatively guarantees our liberties by spreading power among the three branches of the federal government, and between the federal government and the states. In considering any action by the government, we must always ask two questions: is the government better equipped than the private sector to perform the task and, if so, what level of government (federal or state) ought to do it. Washington is not the seat of all wisdom.
It's starting to feel a bit redundant, although my enthusiasm is not diminished for it.
Protecting our Country . The first responsibility of the federal government is to protect the nation and the American people. There is no more important task. We must have a strong and effective military, capable intelligence services, and a vigorous law enforcement and homeland security capacity.
"No more important task." Yes, exactly... because nothing else American matters if there is no America.
Traditional American Values . A healthy society is predicated on belief in God; respect for all life; strong families centered on the institution of marriage - the union of a man and a woman; and self-respect and tolerance of others. While we are all free to live our lives in the pursuit of our own happiness, the government has a responsibility to respect the right of parents to raise their children and to promote the values that produce the strongest society.
This one is worth delving into a bit.
"A healthy society is predicated on belief in God." Whether you believe in God or not, that's a true statement. Because otherwise, rather than having inalienable rights granted by God, you have alienable rights doled out by the whim of man. Which sounds better to you, o person of faith / agnostic person? If there is no God, then man is the supreme ruler of this world, and what man giveth, man can taketh away.
The Rule of Law . We protect our liberty, secure our rights, and promote a just and stable society through the rule of law. We owe to ourselves and our fellow citizens our own adherence to the rules, but tough law enforcement and punishment for those who do not. A free and independent judiciary that interprets the law by adhering strictly to legal text and respects its limited role in our system of government is essential to our security and freedom, and we need judges who understand that role if we are to preserve our republic and freedom.
Conserving Our Nation’s Resources . Each of us is put on Earth for a limited period of time. We must always strive to ensure that the resources we use to lead our lives are here for future generations to enjoy and use as well.
I don't disagree with these last two, but they need no comment.
(Unfortunately, Fred's web site was written with .NET, and .NET does this really irritating thing where not every page has its own web address, so it's quite hard to link to his white papers and his list of statements on issues because the link doesn't change by clicking on the tabs in the First Principles page. A little persistence through the menu at the top of the page resolves my need for links, however...)
Fred's a good guy, and his stands are very appealing to me. If the guy could show some organizational muster, I'd donate to his campaign and volunteer my help. Will that happen before January 3rd here in Iowa? Let's hope so...
Mike Huckabee is so not a Republican. And that's okay, if he doesn't want to be a Republican, but c'mon. Let's not nominate the religious bigot. Maybe he should run on the Holier-Than-Thou ticket.
ETC: Actually, I might be onto something. Remember when James Dobson threatened to run a 3rd party candidate if Giuliani got nominated? It's almost as if Huckabee is gunning for either the Passion of the Huckabee turnout, or if that fails, he's setting himself up to be the Christian Right's Golden Boy 3rd party candidate.
Either way, he wins. But if he runs as a straight Republican, he can lose.
Fred's a good guy, and his stands are very appealing to me. If the guy could show some organizational muster, I'd donate to his campaign and volunteer my help. Will that happen before January 3rd here in Iowa? Let's hope so...
